Love the way you lie
by Twisted-mirrors
Summary: "What happens if in one fraction of a second your whole life changes?" Rory  Dean goes through rough times and becomes abusive. Rory gets in a twisted circle between Dean, Jess and trying to pick up the pieces of her life together. Rory/Jess eventually
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own GG

Background: takes place in the episode where Lorelai is gone for the weekend and Rory eats in her house with Jess and Paris, which is when Dean comes, Jess leaves and they start fighting.

WARNING: contains mentions/ possibly graphic explanation of rape

**Chapter 1**

"**And the world keeps spinning madly on…"**

There are those times in life where everything seems to be going wrong, and the only thing that keeps us going is the hope. The hope that tomorrow comes another day and things will eventually fall into place and become better.

Then there are those times where everything is perfect, so perfect than in some sick, perverted part of your mind you expect something to go wrong. Lately, everything in Rory's life had been going great. Her mom was her best friend. So far, they almost never had a fight, not one that lasted more than an hour anyway. Then there was Lane, and Dean, who was the perfect boyfriend. Her father had been around more often than before, and where he wasn't, Luke had been there for her. Stars Hollow was a small town, but she loved the silence, the comfort in everything being so predictable. She loved all the crazy little characters of the people in the town with their peculiarities, and they loved her. Even the absence of any sort of privacy did not seem to bother her. After all, she had lived like that her whole life. Chillton was her jump-start towards Harvard, and though it seemed impossible at first, she started doing great there too. Everything was fine.

Until tonight.

_I should've anticipated this,_ Rory thought. _I should have known._ It had been building for a while. The small quarrels she and Dean had with Jess, the obvious irritation of Dean towards Jess…she should've been more careful.

But then, Dean had always been the perfect, gentle, understanding boyfriend.

And Jess, despite of the few really great conversations they had, hadn't seemed too interested in her. Though, he did seem amused by Dean's irritation. Again, she couldn't have predicted in a 100 years, how this whole night would turn out.

She just wanted a quiet night to herself in the absence of her mom. Dean seemed irritated, but he understood, and she thought that was the end of it.

There was no way she could have predicted how quickly things could turn around. But later, hours and days and weeks later, she would think back, rewind back every second of that evening, searching for something, some indicator of the scene that was about to play out, something that she could've done differently, some way that she could have stopped this, and she would repeat again the one thought, that could've been a lie, but it still kept replaying over and over in her mind.

_I should've known._

"Stop yelling!" Rory's mind was racing. Sure, over time they have had their differences and their fights. They had yelled before. But this time, she didn't know what she could do that would make her look innocent. "I know how it looks like but…"

"But what Rory? You didn't know he was coming?"

"I didn't!"

"You didn't invite him, you didn't want him to come…" he insisted, as if he didn't hear her.

"I didn't. I swear, Dean, you have to trust me!" She felt the warmth reached her cheeks and surfaced her skin in ugly red spots, when she realized the amazed expression on Paris' face. _Nice. There's a nice little show we are making for her._ She didn't want to fight with Dean, but that part was already far out of her control. But even more than that, if she couldn't avoid fighting, she didn't exactly want Paris, or anyone else for that matter, to witness her fight.

"Why? Why should I trust you?" He was looking at her, suddenly silent, and she felt the anger coming out of him in waves while he glared at her. There was something in his look she never saw before, and she couldn't understand it yet.

"Because, I love you! When have I given you a reason to doubt me?" she yelled back, exhausted to keep doing this.

He breathed heavily and his fists were clenched tightly as if he was trying to contain himself. _Finally_, she though, _I am exhausted, so exhausted_. She saw the noticeable way in which his body trembled, and felt his voice like it was foreign for a first time since she had known him. This time, he didn't yell. He spat the words from in between his clenched teeth, as if pronouncing them cost him more that she realized.

"Yeah, my mom said she loved my dad too, before she cheated on him and left tonight. The guy, it was some guy from her office. They were just friends for a long time. The same way you and Jess are just friends."

"Dean…" she finally gasped what had pushed him so far tonight, or at least she thought she started to understand. He valued his family above all. He was never the perfect student that looked forward to university or getting out of this city, the way she was. His family was his safe harbor, the one thing in his life that hasn't changed over time. And his jealousy combined with that…

He kept glaring at her.

"Dean, I'm sorry…" she repeated, and this time the pity was obvious in her voice, or so he thought. He had just lost everything he cared about in the world; he didn't need pity from his cheating girlfriend. The perfect beautiful Rory with the perfect grades and the big plans that refused to acknowledge there were bad things in the world. His perfect Rory, that had suddenly become a stranger, a twisted reflection of his own cheating mother, that he hadn't had chance to confront yet.

"I don't need you to be sorry. I need you to be mine." He spat back, suddenly full of anger again, anger that bubbled in his blood and threatened to consume him. For once this night he stopped feeling the bitter exhaustion that filled him while he tried to figure out what the life of his family will be from now on. The anger filled him with energy, it felt good. And she, she was looking at him so innocently, the same way her mother did few hours ago when she said, it was no one's fault, and then had betrayed them by leaving.

"I am yours. I love you Dean, I wanna be with you. I never felt anything more for Jess than friendship."

Dean visibly shook at the mention of Jess' name. Paris uncomfortably moved, unsure how to leave without saying goodbye, but feeling like an intruder in a scene she wasn't supposed to witness. The chair squeaked, and Rory jumped, suddenly remembering they had audience.

Paris flushed, losing her usual cold and unforgiving temper.

"I should go. Rory, thanks for your help, I'll call you tomorrow, okay, and we'll discuss the rest of the chemistry, right?"

"Sure, no problem" Rory muttered in a low voice, both embarrassed and relieved. She knew Paris would ask questions tomorrow, but in a way she felt glad. She didn't exactly want to discuss the fight with Lane or her mom, because they would be caring and concerned and they would ask her questions she did not yet had an answer to. Paris had never really been a friend and it would be refreshing to talk to someone about this, without having to tell the whole story from the beginning.

Once Paris left, Rory's attention jumped back to Dean.

"Rory!" he yelled again, this time at loss of words. She saw he was hurt and frustrated, and thought she would give everything to turn the clock back, to tell Jess to leave, to comfort Dean in his pain instead of upset him more.

"Let's not yell, please! This was an accident; I didn't plan on him being here. I love you! Trust that!"

He nodded, but a part of him thought _but you weren't exactly in a hurry to get rid of him either_. _No yelling. Ok. _He took few rigid gulps of air, trying to control the emotions bubbling inside of him. The thought of losing Rory pained him more than the idea of losing his mom if that was possible. _No yelling_. He tried again, and the emotions bubbled inside him and spilled over.

He took a rapid step towards her and forced his lips on hers. "I love you Rory" His words were heavy, full of implications, tears, and anger. His kiss wasn't gentle or passionate like always. It was greedy and cold, demanding, wanting what was rightfully his, and what now he took without asking.

She squeaked in shock from the rough contact, but she knew he was still angry and she didn't break the kiss, instead she tried to accept it and put no resistance, hoping this would help him cal down. "I can't lose you too, I can't…"

She felt him kissing her hair, muttering in her ear, and for a second time tonight felt she didn't know the person against her. She hugged him back. "It's alright, it's alright, you're not losing me, I love you too…"

He kept kissing her, her neck, her face, her lips, covering her with furious kisses as if her voice didn't quite reach him. His fingers greedily slid down her back, pushing, pulling her clothes, reaching for the skin underneath.

"Dean" her voice was reaching him as if through water, distant and foreign. He just wanted her back, she wanted his sweet known Rory back and she was slipping through his fingers and the closer he was the further she seemed, and so he pushed and kissed her and thought there was only one way to overwrite tonight, to overwrite whatever it was she had for Jess.

"Dean we can't" she cried out when she felt him trapping her, pushing her until they were in her room and she felt the surface of the bed cutting her knees and suddenly she was lying on her back.

They had been talking, thinking about being together for a while. They had planned to decide on a date and make something special. Rory didn't necessarily need dates and glamor. She knew enough to know despite everything her first time wouldn't be the best experience. But of all possible moments, this seemed like the most inappropriate one. It wasn't supposed to be like that with both of them hurt, upset, disappointed and angry.

It wasn't supposed to be like that…

She felt his weight over her and his fingers unbuttoning her shirt. The warmth was coming out of him in waves. She tried to look at him but his eyes looked distant, and she felt a small part of her panic, and she laughed at herself. This was Dean, why would she….

Her thoughts were cut off by his fingers, digging furiously the flesh of her back, hastily trying to unbutton her jeans.

"Dean stop, I'm not ready. You're angry, I understand, let's just calm down…" her voice was weak, even in her own ears. She found herself out of breath while he was kissing her neck and feeling her.

The red velvet shroud before his eyes filled him to the extend. The anger erupted. She didn't want him, she never wanted him, she lied to him all this time, she wanted to be with Jess, and she would sleep with Jess, why wouldn't she sleep with him? He needed her, he needed to be with her and she was so further, he couldn't feel her.

He could kiss her and be with her and it wouldn't be enough, nothing could overwrite her betrayal and the worst part was it didn't matter what he was doing, she was slipping away, and there was nothing he could do that would make things different. He just needed her….the thoughts were racing in his mind. His. She was his. She was never going to belong to Jess, not for as long as he had anything to say about it.

"Dean" she cried out for a last time, and let the tears of desperation slide over her red face. He was stronger than he looked. His muscles didn't look that big but he was holding her in a steel frame while he was unbuttoning his own jeans and he pushed himself inside of her.

"Mine" he repeated through the red should of pain around him, while he moved intact with his rapid heartbeat. "Mine, mine, mine, you're mine."

Somewhere in the distance, far from him, someone was crying.

A while later, minutes or hours, somewhere deep inside of him something clicked and the shroud broke, and she saw Rory under him, her clothes ripped, her cheeks covered with tears, her eyes closed as she kept whimpering and praying silently.

"Rory" he pushed her wet hair out of her eyes and stroked her gently. She tensed under his fingers and her eyes fluttered open, two big sapphires, swimming in tears, terrified. The tears spilled over and she gave a little incomprehensible cry. Possibly she meant to say something, but the sound that came out of her lips was small and desperate, and his throat tightened when he understood that he was the one that cost her that expression.

"Rory, please I'm sorry, I love you, please"

She kept crying as he kept caressing her hair. "Please Rory. Tell me we're okay, I'm sorry, it was a moment of weakness, I'm sorry, tell me we're okay."

She took a deep desperate gulp of air, broken by the sobs, and she tried to move her lips, but no sound seemed to come out. Suddenly she felt small and unreal. _Say something_ insisted the voice inside of her. _Say something._ _He is too strong and he won't leave unless you say everything is okay_. She tried again, and her voice failed her.

"Say something, Rory, please" he cried out, and she felt all sympathy she had felt for him disappear. _What did he have to cry about?,_ insisted a cold, unforgiving part inside of her. She tried again, and this time, she managed to form the words she needed to say.

Her voice was harsh, raspy and low, but it worked. She tried to make it sound as even as possible.

"We're okay, I understand." The only thing she understood was the big red sign in her mind, screaming, _you have to break up with him_. But she didn't have any power now. She needed him out of her house, that very second, and the rest she would deal with later. "Can you please leave now; I need to get some sleep."

"Okay. Okay. I'll see you tomorrow. I'm sorry. I love you Rory." He muttered finally and moved off of her.

"I love you too, Dean." She managed, broken, lying, betraying herself again only by pronouncing these words. But she knew she had to say them, to assure herself she would leave. She waited a while after she heard the door slam behind him. She stared the ceiling in hope that this would muddle the pain, that it would prevent her from thinking, but it didn't.

So she pushed herself in a standing position and examined herself in the mirror. She didn't look as bad as she felt. Her clothes were messy and ripped in places, her skin- red at places where he had hold her just a bit too strong, and her face was wet and red from the crying.

Her hair, her shiny brown hair was messy and standing in all directions as if she walked through a forest. Her eyes were the most startling to her. She expected herself to look terrified or hurt, but in her own wide open eyes she didn't see anything, just blank indifference and a wall of nothingness.

The pitch ringing sound of the phone broke the silence and she jumped, trying to contain herself, still staring the mirror.

She strolled down the hallway, feeling her whole body sore. She tried not to put too much thought into it. She checked her voice and then took the phone.

"Hello?"

It was her mom, who took a whole 20 min explaining the horrible day she had with her mother in the spa. Rory muttered agreeable sounds, completely aware she have to say something more, but she couldn't think of anything.

"Rory are you okay?" her mom asked finally, suddenly worried.

"Yeah, mom I'm fine. Just tired" _**Please please please stop talking I can't think about this I can't think….**_

Lorelai noticed her voice sounded weak and decided it was probably just a bad day, so she tried to cheer her up "Anything to do with the bikes and lowlifes I ordered?"

"Something to do with the lowlifes probably, yeah" That was sort of true, Rory thought bitterly.

"Good. Glad you decided to act on it!" Lorelai laughed in a low voice and Rory found herself absorbing the sound with gratitude. It sounded so happy, so normal, and so usual, so out of place now. Rory sighed, thinking she would never hear herself laugh like that again. Lorelai thought Rory probably made some party after all and was just tired, so she said goodbye, and they both closed the phone.

Rory slowly moved back to her room and stared the board on the wall blankly, the board that she and her mom filled with pictured and articles about Harvard since she was little. She stared bitterly until she couldn't take it anymore.

Her life, her glossy colorful dreams about foreign countries and books, about university and having a perfect guy beside her, it all seemed so ordinary, so further, so foreign right now. She was out of this world now, out of the perfect world in which having a boyfriend and going to college were completely natural things to do…

And she, she was out of this world, and she was never going to be this person again, so innocent and naïve. She longed for this her whole life, but now it seemed like the most foreign concept to her. The irony seemed bitter and cruel.

She stared silently, with the disarrayed halo of messy brown hair and blank sapphire eyes.

Suddenly she felt herself pulling the board out of the wall and throwing it on the ground, while her small body shook from the sobs and she slid on the floor. _How could anyone live in so cruel unfair world? How could you keep breathing after something like that? It's not fair, it's not fair…_

When there were no more tears inside her, she pushed herself off the floor and looked around, feeling empty. The events of the evening seemed distant and unreal. Her mind felt trapped. She forcefully tried to avoid imagining the night, and so she concentrated on what she was good at: organizing.

She picked the board from the ground with numb fingers, straightened the pictures, and put it back on the wall- there had to be no trace that could lead anyone to questions. No one could know that she was tainted, poisoned, ruined now. She couldn't imagine how she would keep living if anyone knew.

_What next, what is next_? She panicked, and felt the sweat on her face. _Fix this I have to fix this_. _What do I do now?_ Her mind was spinning and turning at one place, unable to connect a single thought. What is next? Then her eyes fell on the sheets and she remembered her clothes.

_Sheets. I need to change the sheets._

She did that, and then picked simple cotton pajamas for herself and made herself go in the bathroom. The hot water cut the tension in her shoulders like hundreds of tiny knifes, but she didn't mind. She slid down the white plastic wall and broke down again, crying shaking as if the world was ending. When the water stopped, she regained her frame and stopped crying, as if it was unfair of her to break down, as if she had no right to.

She took deep breath, feeling surreal, and went into her bed. She was sure she's not going to sleep at all, but surprisingly to her, she felt dizzy as if she had drank the whole night, and five minutes later, she was sound asleep. There was no more pain, just a blissful cloud of nothingness.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own GG

Warnings: again, there might be mentioning/ graphic explanation of abuse

Chapter 2

_**„And it all goes downhill from here..."**_

Rory awoke at the breaking dawn with the feeling her head was going to explode. After it became clear she was not going to fall back asleep, she pushed herself off the bed reluctantly and made a face. The thoughts in her brain circled and turned. The memories from yesterday flooded her brain, colorful and loud, foreign and incomprehensible, blurred and distorted. The person who had hurt her didn't look like Dean. The person with his face stretched in angry, desperate expression, it didn't look like Dean. Neither the Dean she fell in love with, nor the Dean she knew at all felt like person possible to act like that. Than again, she never could think of herself as the weak, whimpering type, who will be completely helpless in such situation.

None of yesterday made any sense to her, and yet it was forced in her brain, under her skin, in her memory in a way that did not allow her to forget for a second. She made herself check the bruises in the mirror in the vain hope reality would sink in, but she kept feeling slightly surreal. No one prepares you for something like this, nothing makes you ready for the emotions going through your brain at a time like that, she thought. The independent reliable girl with the big dreams that Lorelai had raised to be a strong successful woman, she was gone. The Rory that had spent a week falling asleep over a test about Shakespeare, just so she can get an A on a test, she was gone.

She had nothing to do with this Rory, the one that stayed frozen, unable to comprehend what happened. She kept seeking for something in her brain to tell her what her response to it should be, and found it blank. She somewhat vaguely remembered a movie she had watched with her mom where the main heroine was abused from her husband and it took her months to understand she should leave. She remembered complaining to her mom that if it were her she would've left the very same day he hit her for a first time, being very adamant about the fact that for a woman to keep quiet for something like that seemed to be very stupid.

She thought now, how much things we just grow to believe in, flooded with pages and pages of information and how it never seemed the same, going through that. No! She thought. No! It's not like that, not like that at all, Dean is not like that it was an accident, I pushed him...it wasn't abuse, it wasn't...No.

She felt again the surreal part, the one that felt such things happen in a movies. She felt she should feel something or do something, but she didn't. There was nothing in her that could make sense of it, so she let it slide, down, under, in the deep deep corner of her brain. There was something, may be something important, she thought, but it could wait. It could wait.

Her mom was going to be out the whole weekend, so that left her with doing the things she would usually do on a Saturday or any other day. Now it seemed particularly important that she would do everything as regular as possible. Which meant, coffee at Luke's. She considered breakfast too, but it felt nauseous at the thought of it, so she figured coffee would be enough.

** LUKE'S **

When she got in the diner, it was packed with people- it was lunch time, apparently. Luke was no where to be seen, and Jess was kissing some girl with bleach blond curls. Rory waited for him at the counter, at first indifferent to the scene. She felt it should have upset her somehow- because of the girl or because of the waiting she could tell- but there was nothing left in her to be upset, or so she thought.

While she waited, she monitored the diner with the corner of her eye, counting the breaths she was taking. Breathe in- breathe out. There were too many people, laughing loudly, joking, eating, drinking. Her head felt like an over-sized balloon, ready to explode.

Suddenly the indifference was gone and she felt cold sweat surfacing her burning skin, and her heart beating like a drum in her ears, while somewhere far people kept laughing. Suddenly she couldn't take it anymore. „Jess!" It was a loud scream in her mind, but in reality, her voice was all scratched and low from all the yelling and it came more like irritated cry.

However, it worked. He stopped kissing the girl over the counter, she left, and Jess came to her. A little too fast and a little too abruptly, she noticed irritated, and made a step back. He gave her a funny look.

„What's wrong with you?"

„Nothing!" she sounded almost ready to cry. „Nothing! I'm just irritated by you and what's her name. Can't a person get some coffee around here?"

She knew how to push his buttons like no one else, he had to admit. Not that he liked her- but even if he did, she made no try to be with him, she was still with her perfect Dean, so why would she be irritated he finally found someone? Yesterday made things pretty clear- at the end of the day, Dean was with her, and so Jess let it go. Not that there was something to let go- but if there was, now it made him twice as mad at her, and for a second he forgot the weird look she had on her face.

„What, no Dean today? So, would the coffee be for here or to go? To go, I hope?" he snapped back.

Rory nodded silent, and he took a second look at her, surprised by the absence of her usual remarks.

„Here" Rory gave him the money. Jerk. He took notice of her being in hurry and was sipping the coffee intentionally slowly, looking at her. Her mind suddenly jumped to the last time Dean was looking at her and her heart skipped a beat.

„What, trouble in paradise?" he asked again, expecting her usual long heartfelt explanations of how she and Dean were basically perfect for each other. As if they would sail to the horizon at the end of the movie. It made him nauseous.

The sound she gave now was completely incomprehensible, and he found himself starting at her, completely thrown off. Shane, the girl he was dating- trying to- had completely disappeared from his brain. Rory looked white as sheet- usually her skin was porcelain white and silky, but now, she seemed almost transparent, like she would fall apart any second. There were dark circles under her eyes, and if he thought she almost looked...scared.

„Give me the coffee already" she tried again, and this time the word worked, but the sounded small, like a whimper. She pressed fingers to her temples, while the headache grew through her head and spread through her body.

Jess took a long look at her and suddenly became serious.

„What's wrong with you? You sick or something? Sit."

She stared at him in irritation, too weak to oppose too much. The laughter of the people around her was slicing through her mind like knifes.

„I'm fine, I don't need to sit." Like hell she didn't, Jess though when he saw her fingers holding the barplot with such force her knuckles were white.

„I'll walk you to your house." He said suddenly.

„I'm fine."

„You're barely standing. Or you would prefer me to find Luke or Lorelai?"

„Jess please, I'm fine!" her voice was high and squeaky and he could swear he saw her eyes watering.

"You're not fine. Don't give me this bulls**t, okay? You're not." He sounded furious at her, and the fear made her mix concern with anger. She squeezed her eyes. For a second she stared the ground, and suddenly remembered last night when Dean had been mad at her and then…

"Just leave me alone! I don't need your concern, okay, you have not shown an inch of interest in this town or Luke or me or anyone else that has been trying and trying to make you feel comfortable, so don't start now! Why would you care anyway?" Her voice had come out perfectly clear now, pushed by the anger she thought she had lost. Something had opened up in her and she wasn't stopping there.

"I don't! I don't care! God!"

She looked at his face, up and down, trying to find something to hold on to but saw only cold indifference."Fine"

"Fine" he shouted after her as she turned around and ran out of the diner.

_ That wasn't the end! God, that wasn't the end! _

She rushed on the way back home, filled with adrenaline. She didn't like what she said to Jess, but the fight made her feel real and good for a first time since last night. Alive. Lost, new, someone completely different, she searched inside herself trying to find out what to do next. _Alive_, she thought, _I'm alive_.

Until she saw the long shadow of the afternoon sun over the one person she hoped not to see, sitting at her porch. The blood drained from her face as quickly as it came, and the increasing dreaming feeling she had washed over her, as if it was never gone.

He was looking intensely at his feet. He hadn't seen her yet. She stood there for a couple of seconds, studying his face, and her feet refused to move. The word came out of her lips before she knew how to stop it.

"Dean."

People say that at such moments you look at the person across from you and a hundred thoughts pass through your mind. People say they wouldn't tolerate abuse. They say there is no excuse from such behavior. People like to live in black and white worlds where such things doesn't happen.

At once, Rory found how misled she had been. She didn't have time for hundred thoughts or even for one. When things like that happen, we like to think, we'd be smart. That we would leave. When it comes to the people we love however, there is no logic.

If there is, it's one bigger than reasons. It's the logic that tells you the smiling person across from you couldn't have done it. In those cases, despite that, sometimes reason could kick in. If at that exact moment Dean had looked at her and smiled as if nothing happened, she could've rejected him. If he had tried to apologize, to give her gifts, to beg her for forgiveness, she might have had a chance to say goodbye right there and then. If he had tried to hurt her again, she would've believed it this time, and she might have had an inch of a probability to admit this to someone and put a stop to it.

Instead something else happened, something she did not predict.

"Dean"

He looked up, and she finally had a chance to see his whole face. His eyes were bloodshot, and he looked broken. He spoke before she had a chance even to think.

"My father used to beat us. To get drunk and beat us when he had problems with my mom. She said she would leave him, and so he stopped, a year ago, but I think it was too late even then. I think she had stopped loving him back than already. Now she's gone. She cheated on him so she would finally have a reason to go and she's gone. I don't even know where. I don't even have an address. My…my family is falling apart, I don't know what happens next. I said I will never be like him Rory, I would never hurt the people I love. I don't feel real, I can't…I can't believe this is really happening. I don't know how to act when something like this happens, I don't…"

That makes two of us, Rory thought suddenly. It had taken her 24 hours to even BEGIN to evaluate the situation, and now he managed to destroy everything she thought just for a minute.

He was looking the ground now, and she couldn't pick whether he was upset, angry, concerned or anything. In all other scenarios, she could've been upset and brake up with him, but this was the one thing she didn't anticipate.

He was broken. He was hurt. The man she loved was hurting and somewhere in the weird world we live in, that hurt her more than him hurting her. It was law she couldn't overrule, or reason with.

The only law she had no right to apply and yet she did. The rule of a woman in love.

In that moment, he had destroyed everything in herself that she was preserving and every sense she had. She forgot she was hurt, she forgot he was the one that hurt her.

The only thing that passed her mind was that he needed her.

That, and how screwed up this whole situation was. She didn't want to, but she understood all he did and what had led him to do it, and if she wasn't the one that suffered from it, she would've forgiven him that very second, too. But that was another discussion they had to have, for another day.

Right now he needed her, that was all and everything she knew. Even if it was killing her, she had to be there for him.

She took few rigid, uncertain steps towards him, and sat on the porch next to him. He was bigger than her, taller, but his clenched body and the incomprehensible sounds he was giving made him sound like a child, and she suddenly felt very old and bitter. It was unfair that he had to go through all of this. None of them was ready for this, none of them was grown enough, though may be, you're never really ready for that, now or in 10 or in 20 years.

She sighed and hesitantly hugged him.

"I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. I'm sorry."


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own GG

**Chapter 3**

**Closer, Pt. 1**

Song: Burn Season- Closer

1. The Goodbye Part

"_**Don't say that it's over, I'd kill to be closer"**_

This time, Dean left without much noise. They didn't argue or even talk. They stayed silent at the porch until he felt he couldn't stay anymore. It was time for him to return to the house he called his home for the last year, and that was now foreign.

She stared after him while his body became a black figure on the horizon, and then until the black melted in the slight evening fog and became a small dot somewhere far. She stared until her eyes started to hurt and she had to move.

They both had the pressing feeling that it was time to make a choice, only between what they were choosing and what they were gambling in the process, none of them was sure.

For Rory, the decision would come from denial- or what she thought have been common sense. For Dean, before he had the time to evaluate the change, the choice would have been made for him by his family and an unfortunate moving of events. But this came a bit later. That night, none of them knew those things yet.

Half-way down the road to his house, Dean was starting to lose his calmness. There was only silent air around him, and that was an opening- opening for him to think, and since yesterday, thinking didn't seem healthy. If he did, he would have to start thinking about what was happening in his family and what was about to happen from now on, and that came in the dictionary along with the word hell. If he did, he would have to go back in time, to the times when he was the loser in school, the smallest kid, the quiet kid. He grew out of it, he was happy now, and tomorrow, he was going to be the guy from the broken family with the cheating mother. He was going to be the week's punch line- screw week, it would probably be a month and more, he knew how small this town was, he understood that best the time he and Rory were broken up few months back. He was going to be the town's joke and he hated it.

He pushed the thought aside, and thought of the only good thing left for him in town, and now that thought became poisoned, too. He remembered what he had done to her, when she was the only good thing left for him here. He didn't remember exactly, everything was so fast and unexpected. He remembered vaguely being very mad and yelling. He remembered staring her, being over her, but he had no memory of how they got there. He wasn't sure of the mechanics of what happened completely, but he remembered her crying under him, with her hair messy and her clothes ripped apart, and it wasn't too hard to connect the dots.

Thinking made him feel sick, so he left the quietness move around him, dissolve in his skin, he left the hot summer evening air slide under his skin and push all thoughts down, so he would be able to breathe(even hardly, it still counted) and continue taking step after step forward.

From across the street someone called his name, and he snapped back to reality, swallowing hard in vain hope to remove the bitter taste from his mouth. Lane ran to him, with a little worried face, and he swallowed again, wondering how much she knew. He felt like when he was a child and he did something wrong and his mother was looking at him like that- like she already knew what he had done.

"Lane" he managed, as if she knew nothing.

"Hey. Look, I met Bebet yesterday. She said you and Rory fought yesterday, she heard you arguing. Please tell me you didn't break up again, you were so happy lately, and she is so unhappy when you guys aren't together, the last time she was moping around for weeks. Don't tell her that. Are you okay?"

He was looking right through her, startled, shocked, surprised. What she said make him remember all times when he and Rory had been happy. It made him remember when he was watching her in the beginning, when he made the bracelet for her, the first time he kissed her, the incredible feeling when she said she loved him for a first time…It made him remember how right they were together, and how much he needed her. How much he wanted things as they were. How much he loved her, her blue eyes, her shiny brown hair, and her habit of walking with her nose in some book. He loved her. That was his first clear strong thought today, and he had to see her again.

"We're…we're fine, we'll be okay. We're okay now. Actually, I was going to go see her now. I'll see you around?"

"Sure", said Lane, but he was already hurrying to Rory's house.

"I need things between us the way they were. I need you now more than ever. I love you. Please.

When he got there she was still at the porch, standing and looking somewhat distracted. He said the words before she managed to say anything, and before he had the time to think over them and create any doubts.

"I…"

"I was mad, I was hurt, I wasn't thinking, I'm sorry." He managed, sounding so casual, she almost had the feeling she lost her mind. _Wasn't he there with her?_ _Had she imagined it all?_ And even if she didn't, she spent the whole afternoon sitting with him and he had not shown any signs of being angry or abusive. But saying sorry as casually, it as if nothing happened…

"I'm never gonna hurt you again, please…I just want things as they were.""

_So do I_, she thought suddenly. She couldn't handle what happened; she wasn't able to think over it again and again. She could be that person, the kind of person that would allow being….she couldn't even think the word, let alone say it, so living with it seemed impossible. She wanted only to forget. Just things going back to normal.

It seemed easier, to let him promise her everything. It seemed easier believing it was an accident and it would never happen again. It was easier to push it to the darkest corners of her mind, and pretend everything was okay.

It could be, couldn't it? And why not? He would never be violent again, and she, she would give everything to erase this horrible night from her mind and fill her days with people and events and school and homeworks, so there wouldn't be any time to even think of remembering that. They would be happy again.

"Please Rory. Forgive me! Let me show you how good boyfriend I can be. Let me love you."

"Okay." She muttered slow, uncertain, as if in a haze. "Okay. We'll be okay, I forgive you."

She saw the smile spread through his face, and she let him hug her and hold her, muttering loving words in the hair, and the moment she felt his breath touching her, her mind slid back to the day before and she knew nothing was going to be okay from then on.

She let him hold her and claim his eternal love, and she felt herself staying still, hoping he would let her go. The only feeling in her was disgust, towards him for what he did, towards herself for how weak she felt.

(to be continued)

Note: Thank you everyone for the comments. I apologize for not writing lately, but I found continuing very hard at some point. For everyone that might decide Rory is weak for deciding to go back, don't worry, it had to happen like that, but I have another idea for her. she just had to get to it on her own. I usually leave the characters guide me, and there are some things they had to do before they go to what I want for them. I now have a clear idea for it, so I'll write more often.


	4. Chapter 3 Part 2

Disclaimer: I don't own GG

Warnings: again, there might be mentioning/ graphic explanation of abuse

Chapter 3

Closer, Pt. 2

Song: Eminem & Rinanna-Love the way you lie

(lyrics breakdown)

2. When Tomorrow Comes

"_**I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like, **_

_**And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe"**_

When he called to confirm their plans for a movie on Sunday night, it was already noon and Rory was only halfway through the homework she was supposed to finish until Monday. Somehow when she closed the phone the panic overtook her, new and unexpected. She was never from the people to really panic about something, and now it was becoming like a sick habit.

_Math, I have to finish my math homework_. Words and numbers were dancing on the edges of the white paper in front of her, along with her rapid heartbeat. When that didn't work, she pushed the notebook aside and took her chemistry textbook, but she kept reading the paragraphs over and over and over again, until she pushed the book aside, feeling disgusted with herself. She never had problems studying, but now none of it made sense and she somehow missed to see the point of it, and that filled her with nauseous feeling, like the one you get if you have eaten too much before you get on a roller-coaster ride. Like the one you get when your boyfriend….

_Don't go there!_ She pushed all books aside.

_I have to do something; I have to do something different…_

When Dean arrived a little bit later that afternoon, he came in as if there was fire, halfway in the middle of the sentence from the moment he came in.

"I can't believe my father! What does he think…," He stopped, stunned by the image of Rory, holding a knife, chopping vegetables to make a salad. There were scattered different vegetables, meat and spices everywhere, plus a printed page- apparently with the recipe. "You're…cooking?" his voice was soothing, half-joking, half-questioning.

She turned around to wash the knife in the sink, so he wouldn't see that her hands were trembling. She couldn't understand why she had been so nervous the whole day.

"I wanted to do something differently…"

"Well, you're making a mess of it, let me…" he was joking, but the moment he said he knew she didn't take it like that. There was only silence at her end. Awkward silence and suddenly the reason he was mad at first place came back to him. He needed her support in this, he couldn't fight anymore, with anyone, and yet he kept yelling at people. He felt he was loosing it, the more he yelled the more mad he was becoming, but he couldn't stop.

"Let me do it." He insisted quietly. "My mom thought me well."

"I'm fine, I can do it."

"Rory, please!" his voice had a little more pitch then he intended. "I need to do something or I'll explode." She gave him the knife abruptly, pale as a sheet. He suddenly understood what she thought, and his voice became smooth again. "Sorry, I didn't mean on you, I am not mad at you, I just meant, I have to keep myself busy, there's too much I don't want to think about."

She kept silence, while she watched him chop and boil and arrange things. Somehow she kept wondering, how weird it was that they were at the two ends of the story and yet the way the felt about it was horribly similar.

"I don't get this," he rambled as he was cooking. "It's like my mom didn't leave at all, as if nothing happen, my father doesn't even acknowledge anything, I don't get how can he be so CALM…" his voice was becoming higher and higher, as the more he was talking the more he was suddenly realizing how mad he was. "And then today he suddenly drops in the middle of no where he wants to move in another house. That this house has too many BAD memories, that he doesn't want to remember anything of HER. We're talking about my MOM DAMNIT…"

Rory was staying at one place afraid to move. He was cooking with such anger, banging the dishes from the speed with which he wanted to do things, talking about things at home, yelling, though she wasn't sure if he was yelling at her or not. She was just looking, wickedly enchanted, as if she shouldn't let him out of her side for one second. He was so involved in what he was talking that he didn't even notice how weird she was acting. Finally as he was done he pushed the pot on the stove angrily and took a step towards her.

"I just need you Rory, I need you so badly right now!" it should've been persuasive, but he was yelling and the air became still. When he pulled her in his arms, angry, frustrated, the first tears rolled of her eyes and she gave out a small cry before she managed to stop herself. Suddenly he took a step back, studying her face.

"You're crying? What's wrong? I'm sorry, look, I wasn't yelling at you, I am just mad at my parents, I…"

She was looking at him, taking sharp breaths, trying to stop herself from whimpering, but the tears kept rolling. _Who am I?_ she wondered, because she couldn't remember ever starting to cry when someone was yelling, she always tried to calm the situation or yelled back if she was angry too, or just left if she wanted to avoid a scene. Not once had she cried like that, not since she had been 5 anyway, and she suddenly felt embarrassed. Apparently though that wasn't enough to stop her. She couldn't control it, stop it, it wasn't her it was the stupid reactions of her body.

And he, he was looking at her so gently, so caring and concerned, as if he wasn't the one yelling 2 seconds ago.

"I'm…f-f-fine." She turned with her back to him so she can clean her face with some water and make herself stop. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm acting like that."

He hugged her from behind. "I'm sorry, too. I didn't want to yell at you, I am just so mad lately. I need you Rory, so much." He smelled her hair and kissed her neck. She turned and before she had said anything, he was kissing her.

"No, Dean, I ca.." she cried out. "Please"

Her voice registered sharply in his mind. He had never heard her sound so pleading, so broken, so upset. He took a step back and looked at her face, and what he saw frightened him more than anything in the last few days.

"You haven't forgiven me, have you?"

She kept silence, and the tears kept rolling down her cheeks, but her eyes were widely open, monitoring what he will do next.

"Will we ever be okay?"

The silence was heavy and long. She wiped tears from her cheeks with fingers, but couldn't find enough breath to answer. Suddenly she felt like she was looking this absurd scene from outside, and if she could she would stop it, but she couldn't move.

"Do you even love me anymore?"

Please don't yell. No sound came out of her lips. Something broke in him and with one hit he pushed the unfinished meal out of the stove, and pieces of meat, vegetables and rice, along with the pot scattered on the floor with a bang. She watched with widely open eyed, but didn't move an inch.

"Damn it Rory, stop looking at me like I am the worst person in the world, I have done something bad once and what I don't deserve anyone caring about me? What about what my family did to me? Why can't you…" he stepped forward, and she took a sudden step back like a frightened animal, and she took a hold of the kitchen table next to her as if it was the only thing keeping her standing.

He stopped, to show her he's not gonna do anything if she doesn't want to, and she suddenly felt ashamed of how defensive she was acting. All this was absurd, she felt she was just creating unnecessary drama, and yet she was unable to stop herself. She pushed herself to make a step forward.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly, not crying anymore. "" She opened her mouth to apologize but she couldn't find any reasonable excuse for how she acted. "I…have a lot of work to do, can you please leave?"

"Rory…"

"Dean please"

She pleaded. They both knew it wasn't about the homework, but he felt it wasn't the time to push more, or he would just lose her completely. He turned and left suddenly without a word.

She sighed and began to clean the kitchen floor.


	5. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own GG

Warnings: again, there might be mentioning/ graphic explanation of abuse

Chapter 4

What It's Like

"_**God forbid you ever have to walk a mile in her shoes,**_

_**Cause then you really might know what it's like"**_

**Monday, 7am**

"Ok mom, I gotta go to school, I'll be late, happy you're back, hope the trip went well…"

Rory ran around Lorelai before she had even drunk her coffee. Last night when she had returned Rory had been sleeping and they hadn't even managed to talk. Now she ran past her not only early and without breakfast (or coffee?), but with her hair short to her shoulders.

"Rory! Rory stop!"

She ran after her. Rory stopped and turned abruptly. Her eyes were bloodshot and she looked like she hadn't slept at all.

"What, mom?"

"What's with the attitude? And what have you done with your hair Rory? Did you do it yourself; I could have given you money for the hair saloon…"

"I wanted to do it myself…"

"Okay, now that that was established…" said Lorelai half-joking, but concerned at the same time. "What's going on Rory?"

"I needed change."

"I can see that…..What was it? Did you fight with Jess or something?"

"_Mom_!"

"What I'm only saying it cause you two seemed a bit on edge lately."

"It's not Jess, why do you have to always assume everything is Jess' fault?"

"Okay, I'm sorry. What was it then? Did you fight with Dean?"

"_God, no_! Mom I'm gonna be late, just let me go."

"O-kay." Lorelai looked at Rory walking away and wondered what had happened in that small weekend when she was away. It seemed like Rory wanted to fight with her, and she was still not sure what she was fighting about. She saw the way she became visibly uncomfortable when the word Dean came up, so she thought she was going to have to talk to Miss Patty- if someone knew what was going on in the town that would be her. She sighed. That was going to be a long day.

"Rory!"

Rory turned once again.

"What!" she snapped back.

"Have a good day."

Rory sighed and ran away. Cutting her hair now seemed ridiculous, but she had to do something yesterday, she couldn't study- or cook, she had no desire of seeing anyone or writing for the school paper, and she spend the whole afternoon thinking of all things Dean had said once when they were in love, like how much he loved her long shiny brown hair…and then she just snapped, and before she knew it she had chopped half of it.

She thought, if she kept changing, if she did something differently, then may be the pain in her chest might finally disappear.

_What a stupid idea._

**Tuesday, 6pm**

They were in the beginning of the movie. Rory was studying the screen concentrated, but made none of her usual comments. Lorelai was studying her face closely, but didn't find any answers there.

"Rory."

"Yeah mom?"

"Your hair looks much better like that, it was horrible yesterday…" joked she.

"Yeah, thanks mom, that's exactly what a girl wants to hear." Answered she, but it didn't seem like she was in the conversation at all.

"So you wanna talk to mommy?"

"About what?"

"Like…why Dean isn't here tonight? Movie night and all?"

"He is working in Taylor's on Tuesdays mom, you know that."

"Yeah, right" Lorelai wondered how to start the topic. The last two days Rory seemed very defensive and not at all like herself. She send her to the saloon yesterday so they can even her hair and it actually looked really good now, but Lorelai was more worried about what had made her do something that impulsive.

"Rory, I talked to miss Patty. She said Bebet heard you and Dean arguing the other night over Jess."

She was sure she saw a tweak of fear in Rory's eyes for a second but it quickly disappeared.

"I hate this town, why can't everyone just mind their own business!"

"Rory! You don't hate it. What's going on?" Lorelai tried to be patient and understanding though her patience was close to its limits.

"We fought. We're fine now. Happy?" Rory stood up suddenly. "I'm not hungry anymore."

"No, not happy…I'm worried Rory."

"Don't be, just…just leave me alone, I am not 5, I don't need a babysitter."

She ran in her room and Lorelai followed.

She was lying on her bed turned to the other side, with her head in the pillow. Lorelai sat carefully at the edge of the bed.

"Honey, sweety, you have to talk to me. What's going on, you're starting to scare me, you have always told me everything."

"May be I'm growing out of it." Rory joked with her nose still inside the pillow, though there was still this steel note in her voice that let Lorelai know something was really wrong.

"To me you'll always be a baby."

"Thanks mom." Joked Rory, and sat up in the bed. Thankfully she wasn't crying as Lorelai had been afraid, but she looked a little shaken. She wasn't sure if it was a good idea to push her for the truth, but she was becoming increasingly worried.

"What is it? What is wrong? What happened while I was gone?"

"I don't understand…"

"Rory, you don't seem like yourself. You cut your hair…."

"For change, I needed change, _Goood mom,_ what I have to be all the same boring person all the time, my hair was horrible…"

"Your hair is beautiful, and you have never before felt the need of that sudden change. You've been ditching breakfast like there's no tomorrow…"

"I had to work. School paper, busy issue."

"And you've been moping around the house any time you are actually here…"

"I have to do a homework mom, can you please leave?"

"Rory…" pleaded Lorelai with no result.

"You don't want me moping around, well I gotta study, what do you want?"

Rory's voice was harsh and cold. She lost any control she has had over how she acted and what she did. All she felt was lost and since she was too embarrassed to ask for help, the only solution that came to her seemed being rude to people. Especially her mom, she could never accept her mom knowing all this.

"That's not what I meant, I am just worried Rory. Come talk to me when you're ready."

Lorelai left the room, and Rory finally allowed herself to break down. She had never been religious, but now she had completely lost her faith in everything. It all seemed so gray and unimportant.

That's why when Luke came to her with a request to tutor Jess on the next day, she should've _refused_. She should've, but she _didn't._ She was too polite to say no and too ashamed to explain the reason. Surprisingly, her mom wasn't against it either- she had concluded that some getting out of the house might even be good for her, so as long as Rory came back on time, she had agreed to it.

"Give me something here? A word or anything? I like talking to myself, but at this point it's sort of getting annoying."

"What?" Rory had spaced again. "I'm sorry I've been distracted."

"I'll say!" Jess looked at her amused. "I've done all my cards tricks, I brought you pie, peach pie, your favorite may I add, and you haven't touched it. I joked about Dean and you said no word, and I discussed any music band that came to my mind, but you still haven't said a word about us having to study. Actually you haven't said a word in an hour, I clocked it. I have a question…"

"Jess don't…" Rory looked ready to start crying and he hadn't seen her like that ever, besides that other day…So he dealt with it the best way he knew.

"Would you go with me for a ride?"

"What?"

„Let's go for ice-cream."

„But there's ice-cream here." They were in Luke's diner.

„Yeah but there are no cones. We need cones."

„We do?"

„Yeah we do."

„You're a baby" she mocked, but she had color on her cheeks for a first time in the last hour, so he felt he was on the right track. Somehow, despite the fact that he wasn't ready to admit that he cared for her, he felt compelled to get to the bottom of this, to see what is really bothering her, so he can get the usual, smart, beautiful, snappy Rory back. He missed the way she always made him do things somehow even when he didn't care enough to do them.

(30 min later)

„Ok give me something here"

„What?" she had completely no idea what they were talking about, just like she had no idea what her teachers have been talking about in the last few days. Now, it seemed, Jess was driving around eating icecream.

„You're not hungry, I get that. You don't want ice-cream I get it, what are you doing Rory?"

„I don't follow?"

„You don't seem very chatty, you don't seem like you want to tutor me either, or like you are here at all, so why did you agree to this in a first place?"

„Why did you? It's not like you're dying for me to tutor you."

„Yes, but you knew that, so why are you this evasive?"

„I'm not evasive."

„Fine, defensive."

„I'm not..."

„Is it because Dean is leaving town?"

„Dean isn't leaving town, who told you this?"

„Oh, so your perfect boyfriend hasn't told you?"

„Stop."

„What you don't want me to..."

„Stop the car, Jess, stop the God damn car."

He stopped, surprised. „Rory. Where are you going, let me drop you off at your house at least."

„No Jess, I didn't know about Dean, like it's any of your goddamn business and since you so f*cking care what I do anyhow, I'm not fine. But you would know that if you cared an inch for someone else but yourself. I am not going to my house, I am going to Dean's. Now leave me the hell alone."

„Fine, have it your way. Was just trying to help." Muttered Jess behind her back.

„I'm sick and tired of people trying to help!" she shouted suddenly, turning towards him. „Why do you so f*cking care what I do anyhow?"

He shrugged. „I just do."

She couldn't find a proper response. Somehow the thought of him caring send a happy chill down her spine before she remembered what the situation now was and she felt sadder somehow. „Well, don't."

She turned on her heels and ran away in the direction of Dean's house.


	6. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own GG

Warnings: again, there might be mentioning/ graphic explanation of abuse

Chapter 5

Understanding

"_**And this this is where I lose myself, when I keep running away from you**_

_**And this is how it feels when I..when don't know myself anymore**_

_**And this what I chose when it's all left up to me...**__**"**_

Jess stared in Rory's direction through the windows of Luke's diner. She had circled the street many times in the last half hour, but she hadn't walked in yet. He thought he knew what this was about, but he wanted to give her the chance to let her go in and gather herself, take her time and say what she will.

It didn't seem to be happening.

Finally he saw her walk in and extended his right arm holding white paperbag and his left one with large cup of coffee.

"What's that?" she looked surpirised.

„Whatever it was that made you wait so much before you come in, I thought it can use coffee and dohnut."

„Chocolate dohnut?"

„Of course chocolate. Now, what is it?"

„I'm sorry about yesterday."

„It's okay. I had it coming. I'm sorry about Dean, I know he should've been the one telling you...Are you okay now?"

„How...how set are your hours for work?"

„I can get Ceaser to cover for me if I had a reason to do something else..."

„Can we go somewhere? Talk? I just mean talk I don't mean it like I wana get in trouble and I don't mean it like I want a date, I just mean..."

„Rory!"

„What?"

„Let's go for a walk would've been enough."

A small smile crossed her face and then she became serious again.

„Are you sure, cause if you can't I totally..."

„You're not getting out of this Gilmore, I need the whole story this time."

„Fine." She looked nervous, but determined.

„You don't have a school or something?"

„Not keen on going really..."

„This day keeps getting better" grinned Jess, and she wondered if he was going to be like that after they talked.

He led her to the bridge over the river, and they sat on the wood, with their feet hanging over the water, eating dohnuts.

„So he's leaving?" asked Jess when he saw she wasn't going to start.

„So it seems. His father transfered to another city." She was staring the water.

"When will he go?"

"He did. This morning. He's gone."

„And he wasn't going to tell you. What a jerk."

„He's not a jerk. He's just...leaving." The tears finally slided down her cheeks.

„I'm sorry" he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. „This is why you were so upset? Breakups can be hard"

„Breakups!" she exclaimed and looked at him surprised and suddenly started laughing and the tears kept sliding. „Oh God, oh man, you think I am heartbroken..." she kept laughing histerically, removing the tears from her cheeks.

„Well, aren't you?" asked Jess completely stunned.

„Yeah. But that's fine."

He ignnored the strange answer. „What is it then?"

„He's leaving. Now. He's leaving now and he's leaving me here now, now when I'm..."

„You're what?"

„Changed. I'm not the same, I will never be the same and he's leaving now...the world changed...I..."

„That sounds like lines from a very bad song. What's going on?"

„Nothing."

„I thought you were going to tell me. Are we playing guessing again?"

„I was. I am. I'm just waiting..."

„Waiting? Waiting on what?"

„I just...can we just first..."

„Rory..." he waited to formulate the right words, becuase he sensed she was ready to bolt and realised whatever it was his usual joking approach wouldn't help. That made him feel both confused, and worried.

„My mom doesn't know I'm here..."

„Okay…." She looked troubled, and he had seen that look before, but never on people like Rory. She was the nice kid, the kind that never gets in frightened him a little. „You know you had to do that at least one while in high school? It's the law."

„No one knows."

„Okay. No one knows what exactly?"

„Why am I telling you?" Rory was starting to panic and Jess read it on her face.

„Because I don't judge. Just say it, it can't be that bad."

"It's nothing. It's stupid. I googled it. 44% of the times it happens to girls under 18. Plus apparently it happens every 2 seconds somewhere in the States. And it's often by a friend of acquaintance." She babbled on and on, feeling more sorry with every second, but she had to tell someone.

"What does, what are you talking about?"

"Rape. Did you know that 60% of the cases it isn't even reported?"

She sounded completely casual, as if she wasn't talking about herself. She stood and started pacing.

"Rory stop. Tell me what happened?"

Rory shrugged.

"It happens that often. So it isn't a big deal, I am not gonna make a big deal out of it."

She held her head high, not feeling the tears.

"Rory, stop. Look at me. Someone raped you?"


	7. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own GG

Warnings: again, there might be mentioning/ graphic explanation of abuse

Chapter 6

Silence pt. 1

**1.****Survival**

"…rape you?"

Rory had always adored words. They were like candy, like some very special desert that she liked rearranging and playing with. She loved finding just the right words to explain the meaning of things and putting it on paper. She loved reading novels with complicated sentences, carefully weaving you into a beautifully written story.

Now that one word had ripped her world to pieces and torn what was left of her beyond broken. Beyond human. Her understanding of the word had been cut and thorn and stomped over, and there was nothing left. This, now, wasn't living. It was existing.

And when you are trying to survive, the words loose meaning.

What matters is to keep moving.

She had to keep moving.

"It's not a big.." the words came out in a sob and she suddenly felt detached. The world was swimming in front of her face. She was turning into a stupid sobbing little girl all the time_. Snap out of it, damn it_. "it's not a big fu**ing deal Jess, leave it alone."

He wondered for a few seconds, and counted his words, knowing that for once in his life, he had to be careful in his approach. He didn't want to scare her away.

"Ok, not that I'm not loving you having a bit more fire in you with all the swearing, but how about you just tell me about it instead?"

The knots in her stomach relaxed and once again she was able to feel the breeze on her face.

"I've been swearing more"

"Not like a sailor, but we can work on that." He said, amused, then his face became serious again. "Rory. Breathe."

She wiped the tears, realizing she had been keeping her breath waiting for him to…

_Again, don't go there._

Breathe in, breathe out. Sun falling on the trees. The water reflecting the green trees. Birds on the background. Breathe in, breathe out.

"I'm okay."

"Rory."

"Yeah?"

"You need to deal with this eventually."

Her heartbeat filled her ears like a waterfall, rushing through the walls she was putting, muting all other sounds, removing all the knowledge she ever had until the world became a blur. The sun and the water and the birds sounded far away.

"…eventually."

"Sorry, I blanked, what did you say?"

"**You have to deal with this eventually."**

This time the sound was crystal clear and blinding, cutting through her stomach like fire. Red hot wave of shame washed through her and the pain became unbearable. _Lying on the bed, cold, alone, laying, her mind spinning after, the cold night, Dean touching her, taking all that she was and leaving her, alone, broken…._

The energy wiped off of her, and she clenched her tiny body, holding her stomach, heaving, unable to take enough breath in to even start crying. She clenched her body again, giving out half-sobs, trying to regain control. Finally she kneeled, clenching on the ground over the cold wood, and started throwing up.


	8. Chapter 6 pt 2

Disclaimer: I don't own GG

Warnings: again, there might be mentioning/ graphic explanation of abuse

Chapter 6

Silence pt. 2

**Emptiness **

_"__I'm a slow dying flower, in the frost killing hour, _

_Sweet turning sour and untouchable." – Natalie Merchant, My Skin_

1.

Jess stood next to her, waiting silently, without touching her. Even in between all the throwing up, she registered where he was every minute, and appreciated him keeping distance. She felt like she would start screaming if he tried to touch her. When she was finished she sat carefully, and fixed the messed strands of hair with trembling fingers.

"Sorry" She uttered the word under her nose, almost unsure why she was saying it, still unable to anymore control her feelings, or in anyway anything around her.

He silently gave her a napkin, which she used to wipe her mouth, and sat next to her, far enough so she wouldn't get the panicked look again, but close enough to show her that he's there for her.

"Do you want a dohnut?"

"No. Can't" She looked at the paper bag almost with disgust.

He nodded, again silently. She tried out saying something, but she bit her lip. Nothing seemed appropriate. "You must think who knows what of me now…" She finally blurted out in trembling voice.

He looked at her surprised, brought his hand up showing that he intended to hold hers, but stopped midair and reconsidered. She was fragile now, and he had to remember that, she needed time to recover.

"Why would I think anything different of you?"

"Because, you know, because I…because…I was…"

"Rory, it wasn't your fault." He was getting mad at the idea that she might think that, but he tried to calm himself.

"You don't know that…"

"Rory, you could have walked naked in Lukes, I would still have no right to do that, and neither did he…"

She just nodded her head in desperation. He simply didn't see. He couldn't understand. It was her own fault, making Dean feel like he wasn't wanted anymore…The thought came with a new wave of nausea, which she swallowed back.

"Rory…"

She knew what was coming as he said the words, him asking who it was and how it happened, and knowing that she was now broken and ruined forever, and was unable to stop it. "Please don't, Jess." Her beautiful teary eyes, yet again bloodshot, pleaded at him.

"We'll get you better. It's hard, but it will get better."

"You…" she was completely surprised for a first time since the accident (which is how she perceived what happened) had happened. "Want to…what?"

"I'll help you, get better, of course" he said with a smirk on his face. His chest hurt from the anger filling him from the idea of someone laying his hands on her, but he didn't let it show.

She really looked at him now. "You…don't think I'm broken?"

"Not even a little bit. You were hurt, that takes time to heal, and it's horrible, but broken? No way. You're still beautiful and way smarter than me…okay, may be simply the first girl that can match me on brains…."

She looked at him carefully, deep into his blue eyes. "You're serious"

"Like a hard attack. Now, it's not going to be easy, but you will get better. Do you trust me?"

She opened her mouth and closed it. **No** was the obvious answer, but she was afraid of forming the word. _When you rejected people, bad things happened sometimes…_

"That's okay" He read her eyes. "We can work on that"

She sighed, relieved.

"Are you willing to try?"

She shrugged. What the hell did she have to lose anyways? Plus, she didn't really expect much. But if that little project he had in mind that he thought would change her, would keep him from asking questions, then she was willing to try.

"Okay."

He stayed silent after that, looking the water far. She stayed silent too. She had no comebacks for this conversation, nothing smart to say, nothing normal she could say after this.

The silence stretched and she felt uncomfortable.

"So what now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? But you just said…"

"Yes, but you're not ready yet. Take your time, do what you have to do, let me know when you are ready…"

Bitterness filled her. "Don't tell me how I feel." She knew that wasn't the way he intended it, but it was easier than the bottomless pain that filled her at the idea of _"trying to deal with it."_ Like it was a normal every day thing, and not a nightmare that ripped her life apart.

He kept starting the water. "I can help you know, but you have to really want it."

"Like you would know…" the pain was making a ball in her throat. He didn't look at her, but his voice was firm, low and soothing.

"I had a girlfriend that went through the same thing, I picked up a thing or two."

"Oh." Finally, part of her concentrated on him rather than her thoughts. "I hope you don't think that this means we…cause I can't, I'm sorry but I…" her voice was tearing up again, and her face flushed with red, as she started the water feeling like at the same time she managed to hurt him, herself, and break something that hadn't even happened. On some deep level she knew that the Rory before could have liked Jess, may be even loved Jess, but the person in her now couldn't be with anyone. Period.

"God Rory, I'm a jerk sometimes, but I'm not a _monster_!" he did sound hurt. The tear slid down her cheek. "I'll never force you to do anything, whoever did is…_oh_…"

The pieces of the puzzle finally clicked and made sense in his brain. She looked at him, expectant, surprised.

"It was him wasn't it? Dean."

Her face, stretched in a painful attempt to look calm, showed him the terror behind her eyes. Her fingers stretched awkwardly in the air, clenched, and stretched again. Without realizing, she squeezed the fabric of her skirt- just to hold onto something- until her knuckles were white. She bit her bottom lip to blood.

"Rory?"

She changed nothing of her position, staring at him terrified.

"It's okay, you don't have to do anything yet, you don't have to think about it yet."

_I don't have to_, she thought. But she knew she would think of that, every second of every day, for the rest of her life, from now on. There was no running from it. The pain was becoming unbearable.

"It's okay."

She stopped biting and her fingers finally let go of her skirt. She expected to fall into tears, but she didn't this time. Some things, sometimes, they grow within us, they become so big, tears can not cover them, you can't run away from them. Your life as you know it is over.

Her voice was firm and dry. "It's not okay. Nothing is okay. Nothing will ever be okay anymore."

She half-expected him to protest, to say it will be okay, but he didn't say anything for a while. He stared at her, and carefully, slowly, making sure she was aware of his moves, and not scared, he put his hand over one of hers, and gently squeezed.

His hand was warm, almost hot, and she felt his desire to comfort her, warm, nice. She felt that, and the need she had for the last days for someone to hold her hand, or hug her, to tell her this will be over one day.

All that, and the numbing, deadly desire to pull her hand away and cry. She smiled with a fake, stretched, artificial smile and didn't move an inch, to show him she's okay. Her eyes kept looking in the water, sad and a little empty.

2.

_She felt his legs, pushing her knees apart, his hands pulling her clothes as he rubbed his body over hers, mad, angry, excited, uncontrollable, pulling her hair, kissing her neck, slipping his hands down from her stomach under the jeans..._

She awoke wet with sweat and cried in her pillow until she had no energy for more. The sleep eluded her for the rest of the night, and she stared the ceiling, scared and flinching at every sound, her heartbeat radiating through her body and all the way down her spine.


End file.
